


The Plan (Fuck Jobs)

by haemophilus



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alternate Universe, Basically a Fifty Shades of Grey AU But Less Bad and Funny on Purpose, Lots and lots of porn, M/M, Poorly negotiated BDSM, Sugar Daddy, Taking The Dicktowel Show The Exact Right Amount of Seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-14 19:31:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13596840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haemophilus/pseuds/haemophilus
Summary: Mac is a chronically underemployed 21-year old retail worker who wants nothing more than to be super rich and totally badass. Opportunity knocks when he sees a job advertisement in the paper that says a local wealthy businessman is looking to hire a bodyguard. Little does he know what position Dennis Reynolds isactuallylooking for someone to fill. . .(A blatant tongue-in-cheek 50 Shades of Grey AU.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Look, someone had to take one for the team okay? I didn't want it to be me but you guys have left me with no choice. I mean, acres of poorly-negotiated BDSM in our fandom, and nobody's willing to step up to the plate? Come on.
> 
> Fair warning that this is a BDSM story with Dennis that's based on FSOG so, you know, messed-up attitudes towards kink and sex from his direction and definitely some implications that not all of his partners were as. . .willing. . .to just go along with everything like Mac is. I'll give warnings before each chapter about potential squicks or triggers! My last longfic has a bazillion tags and I'm not sure if I want to do that this time. If you think something should be in the tags, feel free to tell me so! 
> 
> Thanks to Larkin, shipwrecks, and golden_goose for being enablers.
> 
>  
> 
> **Note 1/8/19: This story has been discontinued. Sorry about that and thanks for reading anyway!**

“Hey, Charlie? Can you c’mere for a second?” said Mac. He frowned as he flexed his biceps - one, two - in the mirror. The light-blue dress shirt he stole from Goodwill was  _ not _ doing wonders for showing off his muscle mass. He flicked at the baggy fabric under his armpit. Less than an hour from an interview as a goddamn bodyguard and his arms looked like spaghetti noodles.

“Is this about the shirt again, dude?” Charlie called from the kitchen. His mouth was full of something - hopefully, it was food and not, God, a bug or a button or some shit. Mac was already feeling queasy from nerves; he didn’t need Charlie being disgusting on top of it.

“Yeah. You didn’t fix it right. The arms are still too loose,” said Mac. 

“There’s no way that’s true,” said Charlie through a crunch. “I used that yellow tape and took notes and everything.”

“Telling me you wrote something down only gives me less faith that you did it right. Can you just come here?” said Mac. 

Charlie crinkled a bag in his hand, and walked over to the bathroom. Mac turned around to find his friend’s face and fingers covered in Dorito dust. 

“Oh my god. Are you really eating Doritos right now?” said Mac. 

“Why not? I’m hungry,” said Charlie. He put the chip bag down on the bathroom counter. “Gimme your arm.”

He reached out to touch the sleeve. Mac swatted him away.

“You are covered in cheese!” he said.

“It’s fine! I ate a shitload of cheese while fixing that thing,” said Charlie.

“Yeah, and that’s why there are cheese stains all on the inside and - oh my God. Nevermind,” said Mac. He buried his face in his hands, and groaned. “Goddammit. I really want this job.”

“You’ll get it, man,” said Charlie. He picked up the Doritos bag again, and took a bite of another chip. “Have you thought about just cutting the sleeves off of the dress shirt? It’s not like you bought it anyway.” 

Mac rolled up the sleeves, flexed one, two, and squeezed his bulging biceps - perfect! He swivelled around on his heels, and grinned at Charlie.

“Charlie, that plan has got to be. . .one of the smartest things that has ever come out of your mouth.”

“Oh shit, really? Awesome!” said Charlie.

Mac turned around, and gave Charlie a high five. When he pulled it away, his own hand was covered with cheese dust. He wiped it on his dress pants - thank god they were dark. 

“Go get me some scissors. I gotta doctor up this bad boy within -” he squinted at the clock. Twenty minutes until his interview. Couldn’t take more than five to get there. Probably. “Fifteen minutes.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning that this chapter is about 75% of Dennis Reynolds thinking about how much he loves to be kinky and dominant so you know. It's this show. It's this book. If you're here I'm like assuming that you know what you signed up for when clicking on 'FSOG AU where Dennis is Christian.' Welcome to the second chapter of this journey we've decided to take together.

Dennis sat at his desk, rubbing his temples. Somehow, not a single one of his applicants had managed to fit his profile yet. Fuck the ‘illegality’ of putting appearance requirements into regular job ads. People in advertising were allowed to request young, attractive ‘actors and actresses’ without any questions. Meanwhile,  _ he _ was forced to wade through a pool of inferior ‘administrative assistants’ and ‘bodyguards’ - fat, ugly, balding, tiny tits, wrinkles,  _ way _ too much hair. . .

It was a miracle that people were still born in the city of Philadelphia considering how ugly everyone was. He adjusted the mirror on his desk, and checked out his chin. Honestly it was a miracle  _ he _ was born too - handsome in a classical sort of way despite his warthog father. Frank was lucky to have him as the face for Reynolds Corps. If he didn’t have someone to stand there and look pretty - or  _ worse _ if he had an ugly son who wanted any real power - he’d be shit out of luck for about half of his business deals. Dennis ruffled his hair artfully, and winked at himself. Scratch half - three-quarters  _ minimum. _ Nobody trusted an ugly man.

An actual secretary - broad-shouldered, brunette, and mannish - knocked on his door. 

“Your two-o-clock is here,” she said.

“Thanks, uh. . .” he searched through his mind for her name. The ones hired by Frank were always so bitchy when he forgot. After a few seconds, he decided to take the best possible road. “Beautiful.” 

“Martha,” she said. 

“Right, right. Let him in. . .Martha.”

She opened the door. In walked a man that fit his profile perfectly.

He looked young enough that Dennis was grateful for the background checks his company did nowadays. Thin, pretty, and dark-haired with a flush to his cheeks and a wild look in his eyes. He was wearing a dress shirt two sizes too big with the sleeves cut off for some weird reason. His dress pants had some sort of orange dust brushed onto them, and his sneakers were ratty. Tribal tattoos covered his arms. Everything about his diamond-in-the-rough appearance screamed naive, poor, and vulnerable.

Delicious.

The man leaned over in his seat, and held out his hand.

“I’m Mac,” he said. Dennis reached out and gave him a handshake that lingered a few seconds too long. 

“Dennis,” said Dennis. Mac nodded, then pulled away when he seemed to remember something. He pulled a crumpled piece of notebook paper out of his pocket, and put it onto the desk.

“That’s my resume,” he said. 

Dennis uncrumpled the paper. MAC was written in big letters on top. He glanced back at his prospective hire’s face; Mac grinned. Dennis turned his attention back towards the ‘resume.’

_ History _

 

  * __Liquor Central. Bad fit._ _DON’T CALL_ _.__


  * _Jiffy Lube. BAD FIT. DON’T CALL._


  * _Small business owner_


  * _Hardware store._


  * _Graduated from St Rose High School. Not in possession of physical diploma due to thrift shop incident. Can provide Kodak picture if needed._


  * _For several years I’ve been in complete control of pretty much everything in my life._


  * _No felony charges._



 

“You had a small business?” asked Dennis.

Mac nodded. “For a time. Not anymore, but -”

“What did you sell?” said Dennis. The immediate uncomfortable look on Mac’s face made it more clear than words ever could. Another drug dealer. Why on  _ earth _ they always felt the need to call themselves ‘small business owners’ was a mystery to Dennis.

“Just you know. . .stuff. And things,” said Mac. Dennis folded up the resume, and leaned it against his pencil holder.

“Why don’t you tell me a little more about yourself,” he said.

“Oh! Sure,” said Mac. Alright - time to tune him out like all the rest and get a better look at his. . .physicality. 

Though his build was slight, he wasn’t entirely without muscles. His arms in particular had a lot of potential. Once he got a properly nutritious diet, the man could be easily shaped to peak sub form. Just muscular enough to fight back, but not muscular enough to win. A challenge.

His wrists were the perfect size for Dennis’ cuffs - and his hands, too. Dennis would have no trouble wrapping his fingers around Mac’s wrists as he fucked him into the mattress. Possibly one-handed, leaving his other hand to pursue some. . .other activities.

Dennis looked at his throat. Mac’s adam’s apple bobbed as he talked. If he could hold Mac down one-handed, his other hand could choke him out. It wasn’t small enough for his hand to go all the way around which - fine. A mild threat was all that most people needed to fear total asphyxiation. 

Mac karate chopped the air. Dennis held back a laugh. The man thought he was a badass. Excellent. Maybe he’d want more than one hand after all. 

There was something so  _ special _ about male submissives with delusions of strength. He could do practically anything to them and they’d ‘take it like a man.’ Mac would be putty in his hands, feet shackled together as he held back tears of pain.  _ Do you want more? _ Dennis would say as he prowled around Mac with a riding crop in hand. Mac’s gasps would echo around the red room. The riding crop would graze over the red welts on Mac’s back - a reminder of past punishments. Mac would choke out,  _ Yes, sir.  _

Dennis would have to oblige.

He did seem to be extremely chatty. Mac had moved on to. . .whining about something or other. Probably a job he’d been fired from. Maybe a shitty roommate. Dennis had this problem before; his collection of ball gags was quite impressive. Though he didn’t usually have to use them on men. Mac would be an exception to the rule. 

“So do I get the job?” said Mac.

“Hm?” said Dennis.

“The bodyguard job. Did I get it?” said Mac. His eyes shone -  _ Jesus _ he wanted this so bad.

Dennis deliberated for a moment. On the one hand, his physicality and personality was perfect. On the other hand, he could be straight, and attempts at conversion were a real pain in the ass. Mac seemed like a malleable closet case, but Dennis had been wrong before. He wasn’t going to waste his time on a straight man again. Dennis would have to stalk him for a little while before he made up his mind.

“Give me your phone number. I’ll be in touch.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I feel like EL James didn't reach maximum porn potential.  
> Larkin: I'm hearing that as "50 Shades of Grey isn't long enough," a bold stance.
> 
> Side note, did you know that you can get the original 'Masters of the Universe' fic online? It's terrible. Here's a link: https://ohfifty.com/downloads/MOTU_w_Outtakes_Snowqueens_Icedragon_COMPLETE.pdf


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd been holding off on posting this because I wasn't sure if it needed an extra scene for setup but I decided that it's probably fine. Anyway, here's some porn finally! I'm sorry for the delay. My cat got really sick for a few weeks and I've been working on my thesis and I took up embroidery and I'm reading A Little Life on audiobook (review thus far: terrible but weirdly compelling) so all in all it's been a busy time that hasn't involved a lot of fic writing.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy the p0rn ^_^

That night, Mac’s mind and body were _wired_. His brain buzzed with excitement over his interview despite his exhaustion from his ten-hour shift at the hardware store. He stared at the ceiling in his apartment, willing himself to fall asleep. Unfortunately, it wasn’t working. Goddammit. Time for plan B.

Mac closed his eyes and wrapped his hand around his cock. He searched through his mind for something that would make him nut really hard. That new girl with the awesome tits. . .the one stripper at the titty bar that gave him a hot lap dance. . .the cum on that one chick’s face in that porno he and Charlie laughed at. . .

_Dennis moved closer to him, and licked his lips. His hand rested on Mac’s waist._

_“You’re very handsome.”_

Mac froze, half-hard. _No._ He wasn’t going to jack off to a dude. The limit on that was three times a week, and he’d already used those up. Focus: big titties, long hair, soft skin –

_His lips were soft as they met Mac’s. The kiss deepened into something dirty, teeth and tongue. Then, Dennis slammed Mac against the wall so hard that one of his crucifixes fell down._

Mac was panting. Okay – Dennis was practically a celebrity. Celebrities were exceptions. Dennis could be his exception. His sexy, tight-assed exception.

_Mac moved his hands down to Dennis’ ass. Dennis moaned into his mouth. Mac’s fingers slid into his pockets. They were immediately moved to where Mac actually wanted them – under his pants. Dennis’ underwear was silky – even the stuff you couldn’t see screamed rich, rich, rich._

_Everything he wanted was high-class but Mac. Which meant a hell of a lot more than Dennis being Mac’s exception._

_If he did this right, he might get to wear silk boxers too._

His hand loosened his grip on his cock. He stroked it with feather-light touches to edge himself. Tonight, Mac was looking for the big finish that would knock him out.

_Dennis pulled out Mac's cock and whistled._

_“Wow. That’s huge,” he said._

Even the light touching was getting to be too much. Mac pulled his hands away from his cock, and rolled his nipples around in his fingers instead. He bit his lip to pull him away from being painfully close to the edge.

_Mac got down on his knees, and pulled down Dennis’ pants. He ran his hands up and down Dennis’ thighs. They were tight – he must do squats in his spare time._

_“You have great thighs,” he said. Dennis ran his hands through Mac’s hair, and guided him towards his cock. It was purple and throbbing, begging to be sucked. All of the hours Mac had logged doing shady shit in Kensington led to this moment where some rich dude would want him on his knees._

_Mac wrapped his hand around his dick as he stroked his thighs. This was going to be the best goddamn blowjob Dennis ever had._

His hands gripped the bedsheets now. He was so close to busting that he couldn’t trust touching any part of his body.

_Finally, Mac took Dennis’ cock in his mouth. It was thick and heavy. Mac took his time sucking it, making a real show of himself as Dennis gripped his hair tighter and tighter. He lathed the entire length like he’d seen in porn. Mac took it all the way into his throat – didn’t even gag._

_“Oh God. Mac, I’m gonna –”_

_Mac pulled off; a string of precum dribbled down his chin. He wrapped his hand around Dennis’s dick and pulled with slow, even strokes. Dennis keened as his orgasm was wrung out of his cock. Semen spurted out, hitting his cheek. He licked the last drop of cum off of the tip as Dennis’ body relaxed. Dennis scooped a little of the cum on Mac’s cheek onto his index finger, and put it in Mac’s mouth. He moaned around it –_

Okay, this was becoming painful. Mac grabbed a tissue off the nightstand, and thrust into his hand hard and fast. His body shook with the kind of nut that made him believe God was real.

When he finished, Mac tossed the tissue into the trash. He was asleep before it hit the can.


End file.
